when your stitch comes loose
by Mia-Zeklos
Summary: It's the moments of weakness that make staying apart all the more difficult.


**Notes: Title taken from FOB's _Hold Me Tight or Don't_ , which also kind of inspired this entire fic. I wish I could use the same tags here as I do on AO3, but since that isn't an option: this explores the idea that's been teased in canon that romantic feelings (and, more specifically, a relationship) between parabatai can warp their bond until it makes them stronger but also more dependent on each other than before. This fic is tagged M mostly for the implication of things that are yet to happen and for strong language, nothing really explicit, but I thought I'd better be on the safe side. I hope you enjoy it and feedback is always welcome!**

"I understand that it can be difficult," Alec said, tone biting, as soon as he closed the door behind his back, "but we _talked_ about this. We agreed that we would at least try to be civil."

"Was I the one not being civil?" In his defence, Jace had followed Alec into his room with the intention of handling this conversation as well as he could, but he hadn't expected _this_. "I wasn't the one complaining about a minor mistake that no one would have even _noticed_ when all I was trying to do was make the right call."

"Was questioning me in front of everyone part of making the right call? If anyone had any doubt that something's wrong between us, then at least it's cleared up now. You took care of that."

"I don't think anyone needed a _confirmation_." He should have known. It all boiled down to this, eventually; to what everyone else would think. "You're already avoiding me like the plague. If you call this being civil—"

"Don't pin this on me!" Alec snapped and, even after everything they'd gone through, it was still enough of a shock to stun Jace into silence. His parabatai must have noticed; he lowered his voice, turning to him and this time, the anger was accompanied with an edge of pain that Jace knew all too well. He didn't have to dig too deep – it resounded through their bond even with their resolution to stay away from one another still in place. That wasn't to say they didn't give in occasionally, when it became far too much to bear, and these moments were likely what made any interaction they had all the more difficult. Every emotion, every bit of pain or discomfort was still far stronger than it had been in the time before their ill-fated kiss one night almost a year ago. "This was the only thing we could do, you know that. What else is there?"

It was supposed to be a rhetorical question, but the desperation in it still tugged on Jace's heartstrings. It wasn't easy for either of them, that much he knew – it couldn't possibly be, not with what their bond had been until the most recent changes in their relationship, but who was Alec to complain about it? Splitting up had been his idea, originally, and even if Jace had to admit that things had started getting more intense than either of them had expected, to this day he was still sure that there had to be a way to keep it all under control without the two of them staying as far away from one another as possible.

It hurt, there was no hiding that. That fact all on its own was what made Alec so sure that they'd made the right decision. The first week had been hell, and Jace had felt as if their bond was trying to claw its way out of him every time the thought of Alec passed through his mind, and eventually it had started getting a little more bearable, but it was a slow process – slow enough that even now, Jace could feel the same yearning blossoming inside him at Alec's proximity.

"We would have learned to deal with it," he said, biting back the already familiar impulse. He sounded defeated even to himself, but he couldn't be bothered to tone it down. What would be the point? Everything he'd said in the past few weeks had fallen on deaf ears anyway; he might as well let it spill out. "You decided that it wasn't worth it. You did," he insisted when he saw that Alec was about to object. "Maybe everyone was right, after all. This is why it's forbidden for parabatai to fall in love. It's not about the strength it gives us or about it being too much; it's about _love_. It takes everything else down with itself."

"That's not what's going on," Alec protested anyway. He was closer now and Jace found himself leaning against the wall while he approached. "You're _letting_ it happen because you didn't get your way even though you _know_ how dangerous it can be otherwise."

"Don't expect me to apologise," Jace said, the words low and almost inaudible as he looked up at his parabatai. "It's dangerous either way; stop lying to yourself. If you're just too scared to take what you want—"

"Then _what_? What would have happened if we had decided to keep going?" Alec was so close now. Jace could feel his breath on his face and it shouldn't have felt familiar – they had rarely argued so much before they'd decided to break off their relationship for good – but it _did_. "People would have started noticing at some point anyway. Do you really think it's worth it to put ourselves – our _family_ – in danger on a whim?"

"It wasn't done on a whim," Jace argued, the indignation breaking through the fog of the déjà vu that had taken over his mind. "We _thought_ it was worth it when we decided to do this. We thought it through."

"And we did the same when separating," Alec said as if it was a strong enough point to end the conversation. "You wanted to talk about love? This is what love got us. And it was supposed to be enough on its own so that we could still be _friends_."

"I can't be your friend." It should have been obvious, Jace thought. They had never been just friends, no matter what relationship they'd chosen for themselves. "You don't share your soul with someone you want as a _friend_ , Alec. So whatever we do, I can't give you what you want."

It wasn't _supposed_ to hurt. They had gone over this already the night when they'd broken up; had had one of their most thorough conversations to date and they'd both promised to each other that they would try and keep their bond unscathed. They'd done enough damage to it already, after all; the least they could do was salvage what little bit of normality they had left. It had proven to be more difficult than either of them could have guessed and Jace suspected that that did its part for the tension between them too: they were both far too desperate to keep themselves closed off until whatever it was that their relationship had done to their bond could smooth itself out to actually make any effort to fix it on their own. They had _tried_ , but it always ended like this – with the other's presence becoming almost unbearable and them giving up, promising themselves that they would give it another go. It was what made their arguments over almost nothing so passionate as well; they needed an outlet and there was no other solution in sight. None of the books they'd resorted to had helped, and the threats of inevitable doom only served to make things worse.

"Then what do you want from me?" The question was as genuine as it was tired. "What do you want me to _do_ , Jace? Any ideas that don't include certain death? I would _love_ to hear them."

"Fuck you," Jace spat out and regretted it almost immediately when his parabatai's expression darkened at the words. Still, he didn't move away – he felt dizzy with the proximity between them, and while he knew that it was all muscle memory – this wasn't anything like the last time when they had been in this same position, _not at all_ , but his body didn't seem to care all that much, and neither did their bond. Instead, it was almost begging him to get closer before he'd had the chance to step back, fighting for the intimacy that it had known once and that had been so abruptly cut off. "You don't get to talk to me like this. You _knew_ what you were getting into and you still made your choice. I don't have a solution," he added before Alec had had the chance to interrupt him, "but neither do you. _That_ 's what makes you so angry. It's not me or the botched mission or any of the other excuses you keep finding. It's this. We need each other, and you _hate_ it."

"And how do you propose we fix that?" Oh, he _was_ angry, and a part of Jace – small and vindictive and far too removed from the rest of him to consider the consequences this was having on both of them – was almost glad. "You said it yourself, you don't have a solution. And the only one we do have doesn't really do much good."

"It's still all we've got." And if Jace had been honest with himself, which he generally preferred not to be, he would have been forced to admit that he hated this too. It was undignified and it did nothing but rub salt in the wound every single time, but it also meant relief, no matter how short-lived it would be. It meant that he would be able to get at least one night of rest before the torture started all over again.

He could see it in Alec's eyes; the same struggle, the _need_ he couldn't quite hide, and it made him feel powerless. This was what it was going to be like, apparently; one relapse after another because they had no other way of staving off the hunger and Alec's kiss, when it came, felt like a release and a defeat all at once. His arms wrapped around his parabatai's shoulders on their own accord, bringing him even closer as one of Alec's hands cupped his cheek and the other tangled itself in his hair. It _hurt_ , but Jace preferred it that way – with the pain present, he wouldn't be able to forget how they'd found themselves here. Maybe – _hopefully_ – one day the reminder alone would be enough to remind him why they weren't supposed to do this.

Maybe. But not very likely.

He smiled against Alec's mouth, vicious and triumphant, as he bit down on his lower lip and heard him hiss in response. Alec retaliated by pushing him up against the wall, his fingers digging into Jace's sides as he reflexively wrapped his legs around his waist. It was yet another habit, something he would have to forget once and for all, but for now, it served its purpose just fine – it brought his parabatai close enough to him that Jace could use his new position as an advantage and lean over him to kiss him again. He'd bitten him hard enough to break skin, it seemed, because he could feel the heavy taste of blood on his tongue and the responding sting on his own lip; yet another sign of their bond rejoicing the current circumstances.

"Does it hurt?" Alec asked, giving a quick, shallow thrust against him that made his breath hitch too. It was a two way street, of course, and just like Jace, he hadn't quite managed to forget that. There was a part of him that had _missed_ this, though, Jace couldn't help but notice, and the knowledge – and the fact that he was still able to access it despite the distance they'd tried to put between each other – was enough to fill him with an entirely new kind of frustration.

"Fuck you," he said again, just for good measure, and closed his eyes as Alec's mouth latched onto his throat.


End file.
